#181 I’VE FAILED! (OR HAVE I?)
An important question today for photographers; have you or do you feel you have in any way failed? As jobs dry up, as opportunities for many to just get out and make pictures falter or become harder, the philosophical photographer and YouTuber Sean Tucker with our Patrons discuss a text I received from a good friend who has had me thinking about this subject for close on a week now. We try to unpick the mental state we find ourselves in as creatives during what has been for many a barren period commercially and creatively. The emails featured, sent in by our patrons of the show are published in full below.
FURTHER REFERENCE: Mentioned by Sean Tucker: William B. Irvine’s A Guide to the Good Life, Derren Brown’s Happy and Oliver Burkeman’s The Antidote.
My thanks to MPB.com for their sincere support of this show. They are the number one platform for buying, selling and trading, used camera gear online in Europe, the U.K. and the U.S. They have themselves at this time given a platform for photographers to share, and you’ll find that if you go to mpb.com and file through the blog articles. Unlike other camera resellers, MPB focuses exclusively on used kit. With over 160,000 cameras, lenses and accessories traded each year, MPB offers buyers and traders unrivalled choice of digital photo and video kit. The MPB platform in Europe and America provides more than £250M in quotes to sellers per year and ensures that sellers are paid the same day. You get more money for your kit, and more kit for your money; a win win as they say. By inspiring photographers and filmmakers to choose used, MPB is making creative industries more sustainable and driving the circular economy.
CREATIVE ACTIVITY; A MAJOR WAY TO HELP PIVOT
WORDS BY ERIC JOSEPH
I’ve had a hard time the last few years across many areas of life and early in 2020 I decided I was going to take control of a few things that kept falling by the wayside. I had joined NANPA (North American Nature Photographer’s Association) to start leading photowalks for a group they had on Meetup.com. I had several different ideas for doing macro photowalks, dogs and cameras themed walks, etc. One thing I was trying to do was build a community for myself here as I don’t really know anyone outside a few relatives who remain the area. I actually wrote out plans, themes, schedules… had ideas for meetings at a favorite local coffee shop to bring them some business as well. Not to mention other plans for traveling to San Francisco, something I’ve wanted to do for years.
Then, the lockdown that never quite let up, crushed all of it. Sometime in September or October, I started to have the same thought, that ‘I failed’ at bringing my plans to fruition this summer. I especially felt this as I noticed the fall colors begin to fade and having to look at the grim, cold winter with the holidays lurking on the next few pages of the calendar. It occurred to me several times throughout all of this, that I didn’t fail, but it took a colleague to point out again and again that we are still in a pandemic, before the thought started to take hold. I think the disappointment we have all been feeling can be very profound. It’s also easier, in a way, to attribute that disappointment to ourselves as 1) we are concrete and readily available and 2) there is an expectation from our culture (at least here in the U.S. and likely in the U.K.) that we are supposed to be superhuman, be able to not let anything get in our way, that there are no excuses.
I think it’s important to acknowledge the feeling of disappointment, but separate it from being our responsibility. I think Sean Tucker’s thoughts are spot on regarding reminding yourself that the pandemic and the response to it (e.g. lockdown) is not your fault and that things happen we cannot control, big things, world wide things. We need to let ourselves off the hook. We didn’t do this, but we can do something now that it’s happened. The task is to find out what that is and start in that direction. Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun who has written and spoken at leangth about living with change and what to do when things fall apart. Another resource I’m reminded of is the book ‘Life is in the Transitions’ by Bruce Feiler where he talks about the commonality of life-quakes and disruptors that occur in all of our lives and how we work our way through them. Creative activity, believe it or not, is a major way to help ourselves pivot. It is very hard to face not just the uncertainty, but also the limitations about what we can do right now in living with this situation. I hope your friend is feeling better and can begin to look for ways to mourn what is currently lost and find something to propel him into what may be next. I wish I could offer something more concrete than that.
GETTING RID OF THE NOISE
WORDS AND PICTURES BY LYNN FRASER
‘I’ve failed.’ I think we have all felt like that at times. As well as the job I have, my husband and I have a small fruit farm and farm shop. We've been in the position several times that the fruit harvest has been poor due to unfavourable weather; I've sat at the table with a pile of invoices to pay knowing the we've hit the overdraft limit and the credit card is maxed out, and I can't pay the bills. At that point my husband starts with the self-blame, and every time I've had to point out it's not his fault; he can't control the weather.
It never helped the immediate situation, but did help with a general mind shift. It's the same with all sorts of things - relationships, friendships etc. I've come to learn, the hard way, that the only thing you can ever control or change is how you react to a person or a situation. To take a step back and almost separate yourself from what is going on around you; get rid of the 'noise' and focus on sorting through the issues to see what is within your control and what you can change. It's not an easy process, but dumping the self-blame and guilt is a massive step in the right direction.
Sean Tucker is so right about that. It brings a sense of calm, to an extent, and then the ability to look forward. Your friend needs to be kind to himself (easier said than done, I know)... this situation is not of his making ... although knowing that, equally, doesn't help with the day to day practicalities of living, but may help with overall mindset and ability to plot a way forward.
BEING A STOIC PILOT
WORDS AND PICTURES BY ANDREW HIGGINS
I know that failing feeling. In some ways, I was prepared for the total uncertainty of these Covid times after being among the hundreds of photographers 'let go' a few years ago by numerous local and regional newspapers, simply because of my job title; 'photographer' (the same happened to sub-editors only a year or so before the cuts came to photographic teams). Skills, talent, hard work, loyalty, long service, all meant nothing if you had the title of photographer, as management had decided they could do without you, replaced with cameraphone pics, reader's sent in photos, or offering freelance shifts at far less than salary. I suspected the widespread trend in newspapers was coming my way, but the shock of going was followed by much longer lasting empty feeling of coping, of now fighting back failure. The same feeling that so many photographers are experiencing now in Covid times, I had those few years back.
After decades of being thought of as being a pretty good operator in comfortable staff jobs, like Sean, I found myself a pretty useless freelance. Add in a few random other troublesome life things, like money and relationships, and I found myself wrestling with the controls of the Failure aircraft which was trying to hit the ground. For a while I was fairly busy working, doing a lot of those freelance shifts for newspapers, but it didn't really bring in enough money, and then the shifts started becoming less and less too.
Like Sean, I filled 'no-photography' days with van driving (I very fortunately knew a business, run by very nice people, who needed some delivery driving) and there was increasingly more driving on offer than photo jobs. But I did feel I had failed as a photographer, that career gone, skills wasted... I took some solace in thinking that many 'creatives' have to do other work to survive, the classic case being actors, seemingly rarely 'in work' instead working as waiters. The great thing with being 'a creative' is that you always are, it can't be taken from you, whatever the work you need to do for money. Though many previously busy and successful creatives and photographers are now struggling through the pandemic, to try and dodge failure we have to become more like actors (writers, poets, artists...?) always have been and adapt our 'work'.
Yes there is some sense of failure in becoming a van driving photographer ("I've won awards in the past you know...! Please sign the delivery note"), but make the change to bring in money, and you are still a photographer really. Turned out I enjoyed van driving, I saw new places, new people, worked with nice people, had time to think, always carried a camera in the cab, finished work completely for the day for the first time in my life when I returned to the office (newspaper work was 24/7), realised I missed being a photographer, but hey, I still am surely?! Then, after several months, I was offered a staff job at a photo agency, the van driver was indeed a photographer, and here I am, though now living with the uncertainty of furlough and the future of post-pandemic work. Facing 'failure' is truly awful, I really know your mate's text words, it feels like a stalling plane, but it can be flown through, recovered, to a smoother flight. There are many many stoic pilots out there right now...
AN ANALOGUE LIFE
WORDS BY JOHN BASELEY
Listening to this text from a friend of Neale really shows the slow psychological grind this Pandemic is having on many. The feeling of failure that is being permeated into the minds of many like some dark shadow. One thing that I heard and played over is the comment of "Seeing others going out on commercial shoots," whilst you are seeing your bills pile up with no income coming in. The comparison of yourself to other photographers marching forward, while you’re marking time in a marsh pit, slowly sinking down.
As Sean said; “You can't manipulate this. You can't value yourself as a person by things out of your control.”
As a paramedic of nearly seventeen years - I've failed many times in the past. Failed to see something clinically significant because I was thinking of something else at the time, failed to say the right things to a patient at the right time, failed to check the morning drug register before starting shift - all things unintentional - but failures none the less.
If there is one thing that you may have failed at, anything, it may be not recognising the compassion, time and understanding that you give to those around you who love, like and appreciate you for who YOU are and not just for the income you provide. Yes - money is a big stress and many have their self worth directly tied to it as if it were some scorecard to judge success in life by - but please don't have this as a number one thing to judge failure by.
I'm sure those photographers who ARE making an income right now are probably in the minority in the current situation. We live in a digital age now of ones and zeros, an age of right and wrong, yes and no, black or white. No shades of grey - no room for middle ground. Pass or fail.
Me - Well... I'm analogue. I'm an old well played record with pops, hisses, crackles and scratches, which provides an experience of sheer listening joy, as well as cringes of desperation and annoyance. A lot like everyday life really. I don't feel qualified to give any real step by step guide on what to do - but just know that there is day and night, with the transitions of sunset and sunrise, and maybe - just maybe, you will meet someone in the future who, is marking time in the marsh pit, slowly sinking down and you can give them a hand to pull them out because you have been there and you know the way out. I really hope you find the answers you are looking for.
REACHING OUT
WORDS AND PICTURES BY JASON PHANG
Even before the pandemic hit, I'd been questioning my choice of career. I'm not in the creative industry but the other end of the spectrum, insurance. I've spent ten years working hard on my current career and I've achieved success, defined by the obvious ladder climb and the less obvious, helping others around me succeed too. I was wandering around feeling quite lost and at times sorry for myself. But I realised that I needed to focus on what I can control. At that time I did not know anything about the Stoics, and I still don't, but I decided to make an effort to hit pause and assess myself. What I wanted to know was, am I doing something wrong or is the situation outside of my control? I recognised I can very hard on myself and that won't help the situation.
So, I reached out to the people I respected and have worked wither the past ten years in my business. I reached out to my first boss, my staff, my current boss and other people that know me and have worked closely with me. The outcome was thankfully largely comforting. It pointed out the areas I could work on, primarily accepting the good I bring and helped me view the work environment I'm in from a different and more forgiving perspective. I'm still working on the advice I've been given. There are still days when I feel that all is not well. But I'm choosing to trust the advice of the people I sought out and give it time.
BEING A PHOTOGRAPHER EVERY SINGLE DAY
WORDS BY GILES PENFOUND
It's so difficult to know what to say that actually makes a positive difference or at the very least doesn't make things worse. I do so admire what you are doing and the way you don't shy away from very difficult issues, like failure.
It will come as no surprise to you that I have no great answers to the question. My only way through which was brought about by the first lockdown was/is to make work on a daily basis. If I call myself a photographer then I need to be just that, every single day. It's not only about making and working on images, it's about research, books, documentaries or at the very least just think about how to make an image of the very scene in front of me. I try to make an image every day, not that anything will necessarily come of it but the action of holding my camera, getting to know it a bit more will I believe help me to be a better photographer so eventually when we are safe to go out I can make my stories with confidence.
COMPANY
WORDS BY JOHN PAUL PORITZ
What Tucker said really needs to be underlined, reaching out to a friend can be immensely difficult, and I am glad he did. Listening to this moment in the conversation reminded me just how important it is to remember sometimes when someone reaches out to you it isn't so explicit a request such as your friends invitation for a walk. I thought about a few friends I've spoken with over the last few months. I texted one for a walk right after finishing the episode. I realized when he and I spoke a few weeks ago, it was a very guarded request for a bit of company.
THREE THINGS IN ORDER TO MAKE IT ANYWHERE
WORDS BY ELIAS KAMARATOS
Although I am not religious myself, I never tire of listening to Sean Tucker and his spiritual (or Stoic I guess is more fitting) approach to life. Here is my ‘two-bob's-worth’ on the matter. We are all different of course and our upbringing and life experiences determine to a large extent if we have the resilience and perseverance to overcome life's trial and tribulations. Woe to those that have been born with a silver spoon in their mouth and whose parents wanted them to have everything and to strive for nothing.
In my 54 years on this blue ball hurtling through space, I have lived in four countries. It isn't easy uprooting yourself, leaving behind a life and friends and starting anew someplace else... so much more when you don't speak the language in your new country of residence. It has always been my belief however, that I need THREE things in order to make it anywhere... my brain, my hands of course but just as importantly, LOVE. Basically what this means health... mental and physical and people who will support and stand by you through thick and thin. In addition it is always important to not lose your sense of perspective in order to appreciate the things you have while making do with less.
LEARNING FROM FAILURE
WORDS BY STEVE VAUGHAN
I have to say I’ve rarely said that to myself, even when I have failed. I believe everything in life is a learning experience and you learn more from failure than success. I have always wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone, and try new things. Seven years ago, I left a career in scientific sales management with one of the worlds largest companies because I wasn’t enjoying it, and it was making me ill, even though I had a great year and won a Presidents award. I’d wanted to try photography full time and have never regretted it. I miss the salary right now though...
